I felt somewhat okay mid-day after a long nap and I worked on editing my porn store tell all book. I then shot it to my new editor friend for a look over. She'll check out a few chapters at a time and make sure I'm doing okay. Great to have another opinion! Meanwhile I'll continue with it.
But after editing for a while, I started getting worse again, so I laid back down. I watched the Beatles MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR Bluray which I bought a while ago and haven't sat and watched yet. I gotta say, it was not good. Not at all. Save for the "I Am The Walrus" part and a stripper at the end, the rest of it is nonsensical. I watched the extras and it still isn't worthy of keeping. So in a TO SELL pile it goes. Bummer.
I also watched the making of 2112/Moving Pictures RUSH Bluray, which is a go-to documentary for me. I love those Classic Album docs where they bring in the members of the band and they play the tracks live and talk about how the songs came together.
Speaking of music, this week I got to pick up my bass I bought back in January, which I've named, LEMMY.
|Here he is at home. All glory to LEMMY!|
The next couple months are going to be busy ones. OT will remain at work for a bit and I will strive to save big. Each weekend I either have my kids overnight Sat-Sunday or something planned, like a comic show or something. Next week (weather permitting) I have to drive to Illinois to visit my dad and get a minor car repair done in the process. Then I am taking a day to hit Ann Arbor for the first time. There are comic and record shops there I've always wanted to visit and now I'm going to take the time to do it. I've lived in Michigan all my life and have never been there. Shame on me. Looking forward to it.
Yesterday my oldest son turned 16. I got to skype with him briefly in between sniffles and coughs. He's doing well. So weird to have a kid old enough to drive! I'm proud of him and his accomplishments.
Today, February 3rd, marks the one year anniversary that I lost my step-mom, Gloria. I always remember my moms on their birthdays and the day of their passing. I wanna pick up the phone and call my dad but he's probably having a rough day today as it is without me shining a light on it. He hasn't taken her passing well at all. Neither have I really. Its so weird to go down there and be in that house and she's not there. Its hard to imagine. Hard to think about.
I think she'd be proud of all the hard work I did since last year. When she last knew me my life was in tatters and I was a broken soul. She was worried about me. At the time when she should be at peace, she was worried about me. I'll never forgive that aspect of things. I regret that, greatly. I think about her and the confidence she tried to instill in me about my work. "You're gonna make it," She always said to me. I don't know if I have yet, or if I ever will. OR even what "making it" means for me. I have my own definition. Lately it seems like I've been treading water, big time. I know it seems okay to take a pause and take time to make sure I'm all together right. And reclaim parts of myself lost or dormant since this big reboot of my life. It's natural. But the zeal for work comes and goes. Some days I'm gung-ho and its like, "I'm back! Thank Christ!!" But then the next day I just sit and think about how I don't have anything done and what/why am I doing it? Its a vicious cycle and I hate that its happening.
I color pages on STARSLAM 2 or work on the novel or other things and I'm so damn proud of whats been happening. It's like when I drew the pages last year I was so ahead of what I wanted to do. I've got a bunch of projects started and its a mountain to finish any of them. Even if I had a month off with solid productivity, I don't know where I would be with them. It's a shitty feeling.
I'd love my razor focus back. I want to make my moms proud of me. I want to show everyone who has supported me through these rough times and before that their faith in me was in the right place. I don't feel like its too late for me to keep doing the things I love to do. Or that I shouldn't be doing them. I enjoy it. I love it. Plus, I don't know what else to do with myself.
I guess I want to say thanks for continuing to support and read/listen to me and my ramblings. Its a day to day struggle to get back onto the horse. Bare with me. I always deliver. And when its done, I'll hold those porn books in my arms with happiness. I'll get there.
Anyway, that is what is on my mind this morning. Miss you Gloria. And I miss..... myself.... whatever that is anymore.
Cheers to you all,