I've re-read my last blog post a few times now and I realize that perhaps parts of it just read a bit too on the nose of depression and sadness than I intended. I guess when I free form type as I do, I really get things out raw and at times, that can be quite intense. Sometimes even ambigious as to actual intent and severity. But I have recieved your messages, your notes, your calls, etc. I appreciate all of your support and understanding. I really, really do. Its great to know you are all at my back.
But rest assured, I am okay. Things are progressing. I sold off my last APs and I am clear of all commission work that was clouding my progress. I spent some time vegging out just watching M*A*S*H re-runs and playing with the kids. I went to my new job's orientation this week and I should be starting soon. I am really looking forward to it. I also had a minor victory where someone I have been chasing for over two years for some money owed finally paid me! Of course, its just sitting in my paypal account until I can solve all this hacker BS that happened last week. (UGH) But things are on the up and up.
I even got out of the house and got a bit of work done on my own like the good old days. I cannot describe how good that felt. It was like I reconnected with a bit of my old self again. I tapped into something I had forgotten. And it made me search my brain even deeper. What do I want? How do I want it? Now that I got the cobwebs identified and I am clearing them from my mind with the magic sweeper, the world is my oyster. I know what I don't need in my life and I am working on defeating those demons. I am also down 10 pounds in 15 days on this new diet. My health is improving. My skills are returning. I'm starting to feel like "me" again, and not this defeated, old slug that ignores what his true calling is. I'm not saying I'm all healed at all. I still have a long ways to go. But I've taken my first steps back into myself and I and enjoying what I still remember. And I am confident in my perceptions now that I was right all along. It was me that clouded my judgement and now its me that will undo the damage I've done.
I know what I want, when I am going to do it and how I am going to do it. But most importantly, do I care about the outcome when I do it?
No. I don't. For the first time in a long time, I don't. I don't give a fuck. Because what I want is for me and me alone.
SO: Whats next? No timetable folks. I'm not making promises here. I'm still on a sabbatical from all external forces that got in my goddamn way and sent me on the downward spiral in the first place. I'm back to being a bit selfish. I'm back to doing things that make me happy. I'm back to finishing things how and when I want them done. And when they are ready, they will be ready. I'll let you know. But I'm not allowing external forces, or myself, (especially myself) to get in the way again. I'm taking my life back. I'll finish what I gotta finish, and when its due and in my own good time. Trust me, you'll get everything I promised and more.... and sooner than you think.
I'm slowly reconnecting with my old self again. Its been a long time and I am glad to see I didn't wander too far away. And I had a great conversation with him tonight. Might I provide a screenshot? Why the fuck not....
Hello old friends. Come on in and lets talk....
T
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