Taking a Break

I’ve crafted this about a hundred times in my head. Each time the depression sets in, I contemplate this. I weigh the pros and cons of the decision and each time I talk myself out of it. I know there’s no way I can ever quit doing art in some form. Either writing, drawing, creating comics, music… something will always be here for me. Because it is in my soul. It is not a part of me, it IS me. But this time the feeling is stronger than ever and I know this time what must be done. So here I am, making the leap to do what I gotta do.

That’s why coming to this eventual realization has been so difficult for me. I’ve trusted in the winds to blow me where I was supposed to go but lately I keep getting blown back to this big wall. Its too tall to climb alone and I find too many things gluing my feet to the ground not allowing me to soar above it all. I’ve entered the age of 36 not liking what I see in myself. Physically, mentally, creatively. I’ve somehow crafted a future that is bleak and not “me.” I’ve dwelled in the thoughts that I should compare and be in the game, when I am playing something else all together. All in all, it has left me with a feeling of being stunted. Unconfident. Depressed. A great Ennui.

Life has thrown a lot at me, especially this last year. I’ve barely held on. I kept standing. I kept pretending it was all okay. But in reality I was drowning. I was too proud to admit defeat (for now). My health has declined out of control, my finances look like Hiroshima, my family life is a constant struggle and I know I have been strong too long. I never cry. Never. But lately, I do. For no reason whatsoever. But I am too proud to let anyone, even my wife, know it. During times I should be up and working while everyone is asleep, I am sitting in a chair crying. Because I know I cannot do this anymore. I need to change it all. I need a self-imposed rehab of sorts.

It is with all of this in mind, that I am now announcing a break from everything involved with my work. I will not be business Facebooking, Twittering, Deviantarting, Hentai Foundarying, etc. Blogs and podcasts will continue but will be more sporatic. I know there might be something that will pop up that I'll feel strongly enough about to comment on, so blogs and podcasts shall continue but not quite as often as before. All plans for Starslam Kickstarter and digital content launch are on hold until such time as I feel like I can take it on. As of today, my paypal account will be closed down (since it was hacked recently, I got a fear of it anyway). All book sales will still be available but I shall not be taking on any commissioned artwork. All productions shall cease and be shut down for the time being. The time table is for me alone to know. Rest assured this is not the end of me. I will return. But right now there are things I need to focus more attention on and the rat race is dragging me down. I do it to myself, I recognize that, and therefore I am changing it. I just want to play in my own head again. I need to pursue what made me happy about doing anything creative in the first place. I am going to embrace the changes in my life and relieve myself of some pressure. Again, all self-imposed pressure. Not your fault. But I recognize where I am falling short with myself and I am now correcting it.

My creating will continue. I am still going to finish things like Starslam, Anna Pocalypse 2, the porn store novel, etc. But I am not imposing myself on any deadline. I will still take on the occasional sketch card gig from trusted companies. I will still work privately on my own things. However I will not be discussing them as much as I did in the past. Sometimes I feel doing so, for me, is a sort of vanity that makes me feel like such a tool. I feel like I am just verbally jerking off when I do that, when I should be polished enough to just let the work be what it is without a million words why and why not, explaining its existence.

For now, I got a night job and I am going to be focusing on that. Getting back to my roots. Getting out and talking to people again and discovering who I am after living in my own head for so damn long. And before long, the pencil will be picked up and put to paper again. Please, don’t worry about me. This is not a cry for help or attention. This isn’t a career suicide. I’m not jumping off any ledge at all. I am just stepping away from the mic for a while. I’m okay. I just know when I’ve done too much to myself and I need to hunker down and take care of business. I will emerge again like a phoenix out of the fire.

I just simply have to go away for a while, and dream it all up again. Believe me, I’ll be back sooner than you think…. And better than before.

Thanks everyone for your support over the years and don’t worry. I’ll be back to show you whats new again. For now, I am excited for the future and changing my life around for the better. See you on the other side!

Cheers, peace and love,

T