37... In a Row??

Welcome my friends!

Today I turn 37 years old. 37? In a row? (old CLERKS joke for those of my generation) And in my 37 years on this planet I wish I had some profound wisdom to share with you. I don't. I just am roughing the mileage and keep on driving forward. Its all you can do sometimes.

But today I celebrate not only the passing of another year of my life, my parents for their love and support, my dear mother and her giving birth to me on this day 37 years ago, but I celebrate my life. Some of you know 2014 wasn't the greatest year in my personal life. In fact, it all came crashing down little by little until I came out the other side living a completely different life.

 Change is hard and sometimes life throws you challenges that you just don't think you can deal with. I found myself against the highest wall of challenges I've ever had to face. Maybe ever will have to face. I am not sure yet. But it was scary and I just couldn't handle it. My depression and feelings got so dire that I considered offing myself at one point. I'm ashamed to say it now, but its true. I went into a drugstore and bought a bottle of pills. I had planned to crush up the pills, add it to a drink and swallow it whole. I had no idea if it would work or not. I am not the best planner of things that cause suffering to myself, but I had heard that it would do the trick. I remember a night back in December where I just sat with the bottle of pills and stared at them for at least 5 minutes. I didn't think about anything or anyone. I just sat there. Staring at them. My ticket away from all of this. I didn't think about my dad and what this would do to him. Or my kids, or any of my friends. I just wanted to do something selfish and a final statement. Sometimes, life just tosses you too much. I felt completely justified.

I was at a point to where my entire world as I had known it had come crashing down. Everything I had believed and built up to be true was gone. I didn't want to start over. I didn't want to be anything anymore. I didn't know what I could do. I felt just "in the way." I almost felt like I HAD to do it. It just made the most logical sense. Cause what else could I have left in the tank? How can I beat all of this that now faced me? As the song "Wither" by Dream Theater says: "I drown in hesitation, my words come crashing down. And all my best creations, burning to the ground. The thought of starting over leaves me paralyzed. Tear it out again, another one that got away." I just didn't think I could face it. My anger, my confusion, my bitterness and my sorrow all surrounded me. I just had to do this. It made the most sense.

I sat there in the middle of another sleepless night. Alone. Ready to do this great harm to myself and everyone I ever cared about. But then it happened.... Two things popped into my head. Two simple phrases. I'm not sure where they came from, but they arrived swiftly. Like they were whispered into my ear from a distant voice far away. It said two simple things:

"The world needs people like you." and "You're not done yet."

That little voice helped me realize a truth that I needed to hear. I've been accused of being "too nice" a guy sometimes. I let people walk all over me and I open myself up too greatly. It allows a lot of potential for trust and for people to hurt me. I've never gone out of my way to hurt someone. Even a complete stranger. Its not in my nature to want to hurt anyone. I'm not a good liar. I just can't hurt people. I get scared that I will. I have anxiety that I'll create another situation where I bothered someone and I'll beat myself up for it every day. But in the end, that ain't a bad way to be. The world does need more people like that.

And "you're not done yet." It made me think about all I wanted to still do. The stories I wanted to write and draw. I wanted to make more music. I wanted to travel and see places I've never seen. I want to see my kids grow up and become men. Maybe I can be a good influence in their lives instead of giving them horrible memories and sorrow with this stupid, selfish act I was wanting to do. Again, I'd be hurting someone besides myself. But I also thought about the fact that doors are closed sometimes, but another one always opens. And thats where you are meant to go.

What happened in my life last year wasn't done maliciously. Its all just some of those things that happens in life sometimes. Its just a pity I wasn't on the same page with some of it. But it happens. I am not angry or bitter about it. I accept it now. I took all the gut punches and stood right back up. Millions of people have gone through some of this and even worse. In many ways, I am very lucky that it is panning out as smoothly as it has so far. I still have good days and bad, but its getting easier. The smoke is clearing and clarity is booming brightly. And like I said here on this blog before, I'm grateful now for all that life has thrown at me. Because its shown me how strong I am. Today's pain is tomorrow's strength. Everyone has suffering or a pain they have to endure. And sure, mine is a big motherfucker. But I am facing it. And I'm still fucking standing.

I took that bottle of pills and threw it away before I moved. Its gone, along with all the dark thoughts that accompanied it. I'm now in a one bedroom apartment. Alone, for the first time. Sometimes it sucks. Other times, its kind of nice. I've now got freedom I've never had before. I am opening myself up to parts of myself I've kept closed and quiet for too long. I'm deciding new things about Adam 3.0. One big question at the start of this is: WHO AM I NOW? I find that I am still me. I still hang my Cds, vinyl, posters and some toys proudly. I've still got a pencil and micron pen in my hand. I still blog and podcast. I still jam to music I love and thirst for more music I have yet to discover. I keep searching Google Earth for places I want to go to one day. I've re-discovered my zeal for the work-week. I scored two almost full time jobs in an effort to pay my bills and start to save money. To build a whole new life. A better one. Because I am a better person now and I deserve it.

I don't share all of this dark knowledge with you to get attention or to have a great story to tell. I tell it because #1-I'm always an honest dude and #2-Every journey has darkness and light and it would be selfish for me not to share what I learned from my darkness. And as the great Stanley Kubrick said: "However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light." I've done that and I've come out the other side, wanting to share the concept that no matter how shit goes down in our lives, and we're given more than we think we can bare, we can still keep standing. I have not had any more dark thoughts since that night a month ago. Instead its been slowly getting brighter. I am not scared of myself or whats around me anymore. And throughout all of this, I've seen so many people stand up and reach out to me, grabbing me to make sure I don't fall. I've seen who truly cares for me. Its shown me that I've worked hard all my life to be a decent dude and with that came this group of great friends that will always be there for me. I cannot express enough what that means for me.

Today I am getting over a sore throat and a bit of a cold. But I'm up now and I am gonna finish hanging some posters in my new home. Tonight, some friends of mine are coming over. They are travelling from all over the state to come see little old me. I'm gonna drink a bit, listen to some of my favorite music, swap stories, play games, whatever. But most importantly? I'll be alive. I'm living again.

That's all I'll ever need.

Here's to another 37 years of a great life!

--T

p.s. I realized that most likely, today is the first birthday in a loooong time where I won't get any sort of naughty birthday sex. Its a bummer. But I am sure I will treat myself to a special birthday toss off!