One of the things that people know about me is that I can be my own worst enemy. All my problems, I bring on myself. I'm overweight because I eat things that are bad for me. I'm not more successful in my art because I'm not putting it a priority to get out there and take it to the people like I should have. Etc. Etc. Its a realization that we all must come to at some point in our lives. We have to wake up and realize the damage we do to ourselves. And I am big time guilty of the biggest crime I do to myself: BEATING MYSELF UP.
I'm always discounting where I am in life. What I've done. Where I SHOULD be, on and on. When a praise is heaped upon me, I immediately counteract it with a knock down about myself. For example, someone might say, "Hey! The art and story in this comic you made is really good!" Then I'll immediately say something like, "Yeah, too bad I only sold 150 copies of it. No one really read it." I can't just say, Thanks. Ever. I am not sure why. Maybe its lack of confidence. Maybe I've taken on too much that life has thrown at me and I've let myself get beat up and put in the corner of the ring. I take a lot of punches. Mostly because I know I can take it. But sometimes... I feel like I just need to take a dive and relax for an 8 count, and then get back up for some more. Clubber Lang is always there taunting me, warning me not to get back up cause PAIN is coming! But I still keep getting back up.
Take for example my current situation. I feel very low and stuck. I'm 37 years old, my financial status looks like an atomic bomb went off. My body is slowly breaking. I have constant foot and knee pain now due to the long hours of working. I have to work two jobs to barely support paying to provide for my kids and my bills. I never have a night or day off. I don't get to go out and enjoy a movie in the theater. I cannot take my girl out to dinner. When I am with my kids, I cannot afford to do anything fun with them. Because of this hectic schedule I never get a full night's sleep. And I get paid minimum wage at each job. At 37, with 12 years management experience and a degree. Tell me how that is fair.
And my jobs... one is a night job cashier at a gas station. Simple enough and I enjoy the quiet. After I get my work done, I can sit and draw, which has been a MAJOR help for me keeping up with my art stuff. But I deal with a lot of scary situations. Drunk college students, scary situations and sometimes potentially hostile situations. People puke and pass out in my store. It just gets nutty. Then take my day job, cashier at a major grocery store. I've done rants about the things that piss me off about it on my MORNING SHOW PODCAST - But I get these 4.5-6 hour shifts. Its back breaking work. Not allowed a drink. Some of the people talk to you like dog shit. I see older folks I work with and they look really beaten down. I'm almost to their level. I'm 37. I should be further along than this! There, ya see? I started it again.
I cannot shake the feeling like things should have panned out differently for me. I do feel very "Stuck" sometimes. I've applied all over to places that are more related to my field or offer full time and I never hear any calls back. I'm waiting, trying, patiently keep applying. Nothing. Damn. Oh well, back to Grand Ledge, the 25 minute drive to work a 5 hour shift and then come home for my 2 hours of sleep before I have to work my night job. Half my check goes to the state. Yay.
So yeah, you let all of this beat you down. Things suck. But you look at the positives.
-I got a job. Two of them. People like me at them. Thats good.
-I'm providing for my kids. There's a lot of deadbeat parents out there that wouldn't do that.
-I'm doing what I can with what I got.
-I'm still taking on freelance artwork gigs and beating the deadlines to all of them.
-I tackled emotionally crippling things this last 6 months and have kept my train on the rails.
-I make my GF very happy and we're building a life together. I'm providing for her too.
-I continue to dream and make plans for my future in comics, jobs and life.
-I still haven't gained any of the weight I lost.
-A lot of friends and family have stepped up during this time of my need and supported me in many ways. I've found out through all of this who is in my corner.
-My kids are happier than ever and its a joy to see them, even when I am dog ass tired.
-At my jobs, I do good work. I am at 111% speed at the grocery store and I am a backbone at the gas station.
-My GF respects my hard work and does things to pamper me and show me how much she appreciates my struggle. Its a great thing to feel valued like that.
-The artwork I am producing is better than ever and is coming from a genuine place.
-I know in time my struggles during this period will fade, not get worse.
-All my bills are paid. Believe me, that's a BIG thing!
-Despite my lack of being able to hit more shows, I am gaining new fans and readers. Thats amazing!
SO: As much as I want to punish myself and make myself feel like less of a person because I'm a cashier at a grocery store/gas station clerk at 37, and not as far along in my art career as I want to be, I'm still standing. I'm still doing good work. I'm not down for the count. I'll come back swinging, count on it. I want to learn to not beat myself up. I'm tired of doing it. I need to focus on the positives of my life and work on it every day. I need to get my head right. Let go of a lot of my anger, fear and hurt. I need to continue to rise. And I will. That much I know. Just keep watching.
Anyway, GOALS FOR THE REST OF 2015:
1-Get Starslam 2 done and kickstarted.
2-Get Pleasant Life 2 3/4ths done and ready for an early 2016 launch.
3-Reprint all books.
4-Release all books as digital downloads.
5-Do three new prints and print them all for 2016 con season.
6-Pay for tables at THREE big shows for 2016.
7-Continue freelance art gigs, especially the STAR WARS work. Not just with Topps, but other places.
8-Find a full time day job and get a normal schedule.
9-Save for my future.
10-Move into new apartment and build a life with my girl.
So there. No matter what life throws at you, never take your eyes off the prize. Execute your plans. And Don't beat yourself up for getting in the ring to fight the big fight. Don't do your opponent's job for them. Make them try to take you down. Then throw the big uppercut. Fuck em up. Then stand in the ring, arms raised in victory. Smells fucking sweet!
---T
No comments:
Post a Comment