As per my blog a few posts ago, I beat myself up again a bit yesterday. It started with realizing how small some people see me as. What happened is this:
I work a part time job as a cashier for a major chain corporation of grocery stores. There's a union in place and there are contracts. I don't recall signing them, but apparently I did when I was hired. Anyway, I have spent the last 4 months busting my ass there. I've increased from 16 hours to 32 hours a week there. I've proved myself. I'm looked upon as reliable and a strong backbone of the place.The accepted average speed and accuracy is supposed to be 94%. I am at 112%. So yeah, I am VERY fast, VERY good at the job and I've done it through some crazy circumstances. Divorce, death, an injury and juggling my life around all of that. I work every weekend there during their crazy coupon days and try to maintain a positive attitude while there. But after 8 hours of no water (only on breaks), long hours on my feet, gripy, bitchy customers, etc... you get worn down. And I've worked hard the last few months to help re-establish a new life and payflow for me and what I have to take care of now. I am finally at a spot where things are running "Smoothly." Not GREAT, but smoothly. Bills are paid and I have enough to eat and drive around. Thats all I need. I'm not able to save, but I am not hurting. Thats a huge thing for me. Crawling from nothing into gaining something. I'm proud of that. And I had to do it. And in doing so, I had to sacrifice something precious. Time with my kids. I only got to see them maybe once, twice a week. And when I did, I was always exhausted from working two jobs. We never could do anything fun. They are growing up. Little James is talking great now and Scotty is improving every day. I'm missing out on key shit in their lives. And I haven't seen my oldest son at all in months! So yeah, I'm frustrated. So I gave it some thought and decided that I would ask for weekends off at this one job so that I could see my kids. Make them a priority now that I am on my feet. Well, I was met with this news: If I took weekends off, I would get like 12 hours a week. Something about the contract states that I must be fully available.
So essentially when you look at it, my hard work was for nothing. Nothing I struggled through and strived to prove myself (or them) through mattered at all. While they got plenty of younger employees that are thirsty for work and can work weekends, they don't want to work me a Monday through Friday for 25-40 hours a week. Nope. I have to give my entire life over to them. This puts me in a weird position cause my kids won't see me as much and its not fair to them. Its certainly not fair to me, who has busted his ass to prove himself. Everything I've done for this job, in the end, never mattered.
Thats a repeated pattern in my life, I'm afraid. I remember dedicating my time and my life to places, people or things that have always let me down. I find that I am easily replaceable and forgettable. The struggle never matters. Those old days where a boss helps you out or feels anything for you... those days are gone. Its all numbers and just find another monkey to come and push the buttons. Get that dude out of there. He's fat and old. Fuck him, move on. Here's a fresh 16 year old we can program. Move on. Move on. Meanwhile I am forced to keep the job because I gotta pay my bills. I gotta show up. I gotta suck down the shit sandwich. I've always hated that. Thats when I start to beat myself up. Like I should be smarter than this. I don't fit in. I don't belong. People always say that to me at the jobs I take on. "Why are you here? You should be doing this or that.." and I SHOULD BE. Why aren't I? That's a damn good question. I've applied at around 30-40 jobs in the last couple months and haven't got any calls back. Is it me? What have I done wrong? I've worked a lot of jobs and I've earned my way into management time and time again. I dedicate my time and work hard. So whats the problem?
I think its mostly because I never focused on the right things to do for my career as an artist. I shoulda taken the deep plunge and really made it my #1. But I didn't. I focused on trying to have a personal life and a family. But that didn't work out for me so well. So back to square one, what do I got? A basket full of dreams and knowledge I cannot put to use in this world that has changed around me. No one hires full time. No one cares about your needs around your family. Its only what you can do for them to bring their numbers up and then they replace you. The concept of the individual is gone. Perhaps forever. Its sad really.
Another thing that has this on my mind is that this weekend is MOTOR CITY COMIC CON. The biggest comic show in Michigan. I have friends there right now. Some of my books and art are there on tables now. Thats great to know. But I'm not there. I'm not. And I should be. I fucking should have made it a priority to save up and get a table and get even one more person to read my comics. To hear my story. To be a part of the big pond of creativity instead of standing on the shoreline waiting for the "right moment" to get back in the water. Fuck that! I should be there. I WILL be there. Next year. I'm not doing this to myself again. 2015 is all about getting out of the hole and getting my work done. And then I'm hitting the goddamn road in 2016 and selling my shit. I'm gonna get in people's faces so much that they are gonna be sick of hearing my name. I have to. I deserve to give my work and my career the true shot I never gave it. So that's what I am going to do.
Art, comics and music are the only things that have served me well in this life. I've never been good at anything else. And I know that my work and what I write about has value. It needs to be read. It needs to be seen. And the only reason its not is because I haven't done my job getting it out there for people to see. No one comes to your backdoor to see your stuff. You have to take it to them and show them. And thats what my focus should be. Get out there. In all ways possible. Never sit and watch your friends live their dream. You belong there too. So what are we waiting for?
I've come from some of the darkest places a human can come from. And there still are struggles. But there are great things happening in my life right now. I'm deeply in love with someone who I deserve. I am more creative and active now than I ever have been. I feel more deeply for my kids than I ever did before. When life goes tits up on you and you start to see these people and places and how they treat you and what you think your relationship is to them, you get great perspective. You get objective. And you feel a little stupid for caring so much about a place, person, thing or whatever it is, and how much of it you let into your brain. You let it derail you. But you cannot take your eyes off the prize, no matter what happens. Like Churchill said, you won't get to where you are going if you stop to throw stones at every dog that barks at you. You just gotta know what you want and go for it.
I've always known what I want. I've never doubted any of that. I've always felt like sometimes to achieve what I want is a little bit out of my hands. It takes the right moment, the right person, the right time. But I'm tired of waiting for those things to line up to perfection. I'm going to make it happen, dear readers. I'm finishing my work this year and I am hitting the road in 2016. If its got a zip code, I'm gonna be there. My work is my priority now. Its all I have and all I want. Its never let me down. Its my savior time and time again. My best friend. My lover. My life.
Watch me prove it. Not to you, but to myself. 2016. NO MORE.
T
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