On Sunday I read, plugged up my new amp and played and spent time with my boys. After that, a solo steak dinner, football and then more coloring and a commission. All in all, a decent weekend. Here's some of what I colored on Sunday:
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| A pinup of Goddess Tyra from STARSLAM. |
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| The PLEASANT LIFE gang. Man I can't wait to finish their new book! (Coming whenever) |
I got into a bit of a low on Sunday, thanks to my mind wandering. You try to live a life of no regrets but then you look back on the last 38 years of your life and wonder things like: "What if?" What if 20 years ago I did this instead of that. Or told this person off or met this person then instead of now. All these what ifs. Then you think back to people that used to be in your life and you had such great chemestry with at the time. You decide to look them up and see what they are doing. Sometimes you find them. You reach out and say HI, HOW YOU BEEN. Some answer, some don't. You reach out and just say that you were thinking of them and you miss their friendship. Maybe to say that, "Hey, you meant something to me back then and still do. I just wanted to see how you are doing." The feelings of remorse set in and you think about if you turned left instead of right. How would things have unfolded then?
I try to live a life of no regrets. Because my mind has a way of torturing itself over the silliest little thing. I relive crap I messed up from years and years ago. No one remembers these things but me. I'm the only one fueling the fire and torturing myself. And sometimes you are through with the past, but the past isn't through with you. It comes back and reminds you, with anger. You try to be the better person and show your evolution, but it still remains.
I wish I could live like LEMMY. No regrets. He did what he wanted to do in that moment. He just fucking lived and lived it his way. Till the goddamn wheels fall off. No regrets.
I wish I could be that way. Man do I wish that.
There are several things I would go tell myself in the past if I had a time machine. Quit here. Avoid this. Don't eat that. Don't be a pussy, ask that girl out. Go for this, go for that. Enjoy this time cause it will be gone forever tomorrow. Say what you want to say to her. Tell them that you love them. Try harder. Save some money, etc. We'd all do that I think. We got one shot. One life. And it isn't a "choose your own adventure" book where you can go back a few pages and go the other way. I wish it were, but its not. Your thumb is off the page and you can't go back.
The important thing is to not think about changing the past, but focus on the fact that we can change the present. And we can mold our futures however we want. I never think about the future or the present. Always the past. I wish I could stop that. Another thing for the therapist.
Anyway, I'm 38 now. Two more years before I'm 40 and out of the demographic. I don't look 38. I feel like I'm 68. Its not a perfect, happy life... But I'm working on it.
Cheers, T
And to anyone in my past who I held dear and have lost touch with, I miss you. Reach out. Anytime. I will reply. Email: phymns@yahoo.com
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